Things You Said When You Were Scared
by Hidden Treasures
Summary: His fear fueled his anger, which fueled his gob, until he was full-out yelling again.
The day had been an absolute and utter nightmare, and the Doctor wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed and sleep until he forgot all about it. They went to visit Jackie that morning, which was never a fun trip in his book. But then there was a mystery to solve and a world to save, and it was exciting…

…Until it wasn't.

Cybermen or Daleks were horrifying by themselves. But Cybermen _and_ Daleks together were an utter nightmare. All he had wanted was to keep Rose safe. That was all he ever wanted, and today had been the worst, most dangerous situation he had ever brought her into.

He shuddered out a sigh as his mind's eye replayed for him, second by second, the horrors of the last few hours. The utter devastation and disbelief on her face when he had forced that jumper around her neck to send her to Pete's World nearly broke his heart, but it was okay, because she was safe. But then she came back, the brilliant, stubborn, frustrating girl. And then he'd yelled at her! He yelled at her when he should have been thanking her for putting up with him, and he should have scooped her into his arms and told her he didn't deserve her, but he was so glad to have her. But no. He'd _yelled_.

But Rose didn't say anything. She was so patient with him and asked how she could help. His beautiful Rose. And helped she did. She helped too much. Of course she would try to fix her bloody lever when it went offline, and of course she would risk her safety. He'd watched with his hearts in his throat as she clung for dear life to the lever, but her fingers were slipping…slipping…slipping…

Just as they slipped completely from her lever, the Void crinkled in on itself, and Rose fell to the ground. He'd rushed up to her, a mess of worry and fear and gratitude, and hauled her into his arms. He held her as tightly as she held him. His hearts were pounding too quickly and he couldn't make any sense of his emotions.

"What were you thinking?" he'd finally said, his fear winning out. He stepped away from her and started pacing as his fingers pulled at his hair. "That was so stupid, Rose! You could've _died_! I sent you to that other universe for a bloody reason! You would have been safe! But no! You just _had_ to come back! You just had to put yourself in danger! You could've been lost to the Void, Rose! And now you've lost Jackie! Your own mother! She's lost to you forever! You can never see her! Why would you do that? I'm not worth that, Rose!"

His fear fueled his anger, which fueled his gob, until he was full-out yelling again. He finally paused for a breath and heard her sharp intake of breath, too. He finally looked at her, and his hearts sank into his belly when he saw that her eyes were red and watery, and she was biting her lower lip.

"You're an arsehole," she whispered, before turning on her heel and leaving him.

Presently, in the TARDIS, the Doctor leaned up against the central console. His ship was furious with him, he knew, and he didn't blame her. He was furious at himself. He'd made Rose cry. He'd yelled at her. She came back to him and saved the day, and he'd _yelled at her_.

Oh bollocks, he'd really cocked this up.

His ship hummed angrily at him, and he winced.

"I know, I know," he grumbled, scraping his fingers through his hair.

He needed to find Rose. He needed to apologize.

He found her in her old bedroom's en-suite, and his hearts twisted further in his gut. She hadn't used this room in almost five months, not since she'd moved into his room. Blimey, he was a twat.

"Rose?" he called softly, knocking on the closed bathroom door. "Rose, love, can I come in?"

The door burst open, revealing Rose wrapped in a towel.

"No," she said, storming past him to pick up a handful of clothes. "No, you cannot come in, and you do not get to call me that."

The Doctor flinched as she stalked back into the bathroom and slammed the door in his face. He groaned and dug the heels of his hands into his eyes.

"Rose, I'm sorry," he said earnestly. "I'm so sorry. I don't know why I yelled at you like that. Well, yes, I do. I'm an arsehole, as you put it. I was scared, Rose, and I know that's not an excuse, but I was so scared. All I've ever wanted was to keep you safe. You were supposed to stay in Pete's World and be safe. And then when that Dalek hit your lever…" He paused to swallow the lump in his throat. For one terrifying second, he had thought that Dalek had knocked her off her clamp and was taking her with it to hell. "And then when you started falling towards the Void… Rose, I am so sorry. I didn't mean half of what I said."

"Yes you did," came her muffled reply. "'Else you wouldn't've said it!"

He sighed.

"Well, yes, point well made," he conceded. "But I didn't mean for it to come out as it did. I just… I wanted you safe."

He tugged awkwardly at the collar of his shirt.

"So you've said," she said coolly. "Has it ever crossed your mind that I want you safe, too? You would've been in a right mess if I hadn't come back. How would you have operated both levers, huh? Or fixed the one I fixed when it went offline?"

The Doctor didn't answer. He knew a second person was needed for the levers.

"Do you even want me here?"

He voice sounded so small all of a sudden, and so tired. His mouth went dry and his stomach coiled as he tried to process her question.

"Yes!" he exclaimed, turning the doorknob to the bathroom but finding it frustratingly locked. "Yes, Rose, I do! Of course I do! I'm so sorry I made you doubt that. Please, love, please open the door. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"Then why would you yell at me for wanting to come back to stay with you?" she asked, so quietly he nearly didn't hear it. "You know my choice will always be you. Has been for a long time. Forever, remember?"

The Doctor pressed his forehead to the solid piece of wood separating him from Rose.

"I'm sorry," he whispered again. "I never wanted you to have to choose between me and your family. I'm not worth that."

The door suddenly opened, and the Doctor nearly fell forward into Rose.

"Doctor, you _are_ my family," she said, peering up at him through red-rimmed eyes. "Mum knew that. She knew how I felt about you. She didn't particularly like it, but as long as it made me happy, she wasn't going to say anything."

The Doctor clenched his fists by his sides to keep from pulling her to him and snogging away all of her doubts. He knew, though, that a kiss didn't solve everything.

"Not very happy now, are you?" he mumbled to his trainers.

She let out a soft, humorless snort.

"Only because you're being a twat," she said lightly, and the Doctor was happy to hear the teasing tone.

"I know I am, Rose," he said. "I know. And I hate that I've hurt you, and I hate that I've made you doubt me, doubt _us_. I'm so sorry, Rose. Please. Please believe me. I want you here with me. Always."

Rose looked up at him for several agonizing moments, before she finally gave him a small nod.

He exhaled shakily.

"I'm tired," she said, and that was a dismissal if he ever heard one, but he really didn't want to be alone right now, selfish as that was.

"Can I stay?" he begged.

She walked right past him, and it took all of his self-control to not reach out and touch her. He spun and watched her tug down the covers on the left side of the bed, her side, before she paused and whispered, "Yeah."

"Yeah?" he repeated dumbly, his ears ringing.

"Yeah," she confirmed softly.

He wasted no time in kicking off his shoes and socks, throwing off his jacket, unknotting his tie, and shucking his trousers and oxford until he was clad in only his pants and undershirt. He crawled into bed beside her. She was lying stiffly on her side, curled away from him on the very edge of the bed.

"Rose?" he asked hesitantly as his hand hovered over her shoulder. "Rose, can I tou–?"

His voice cracked when he saw her shuddering lightly, and he couldn't stop himself from curling tightly around her. She stiffened a pulled away for just a moment, before she exhaled shakily and leaned back into him.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," he whispered into her ear. "I love you, Rose. I love you so much, and I'm so sorry I'm such an arse, and I'm so sorry I can't be what you deserve, love, because you deserve the absolute best. And I'm trying. I'm really trying, but I don't know what I'd do if anything ever happened to you. You are so precious to me. I love you."

Rose sniffled and giggled lightly, and the Doctor squeezed her closer.

"Not angry with you anymore," she said. "Well, not as much. But…I just…"

She paused, as though she wasn't sure she should continue.

"You what?" he probed gently.

"I miss Mum," she whispered, clenching her fingers around his and tensing slightly for his answer. "And I know she'll be happy, and I know I chose this…but still…"

"She's your Mum," the Doctor said softly, rocking them as best they could while lying down. "I'm so sorry, Rose."

"Stop it," she said, sniffling thickly. "Not your fault."

The Doctor clicked his jaw shut against the rebuttal, but a tiny voice in the back of his head stopped him. Rose didn't need his self-deprecation right now. He instead wormed his arm under her pillow and wrapped his arm around her waist to tug her closer to him. She went willingly, and she clasped her fingers though his and nestled their hands under her chin.

"I love you," she whispered, pressing her lips to his hand.

"I love you," he breathed, nuzzling his nose into her damp hair.

The TARDIS's hum pitched to a lower, more calming resonance as the lights dimmed. He thanked his ship, pleased that she, too, was no longer angry with him, and curled himself closer to Rose.


End file.
